It happened delicately; slowly fading away into memory. Once upon a time it was so real and so forever. I had never loved so deeply before. I gave her my highest love, the strongest, richest, greatest love I’ve ever expressed to anyone. I gave her my past, my present and my future. But she couldn’t see that, or ignored it- took it for granted. She could not give me hers.
I once held a vision so strong, so alive for us- a future! I knew I could be strong and hold on forever, until she showed me I couldn’t. “It takes two” but I realized she didn’t have the fortitude, the trust, the love to match my own. I fought hard even through the pain of rejection and feelings of worth-lessness. Yes, I realized I was worth less than other things to her. I fought for the relationship until the damage had taken its toll; until the last straw finally landed; until I could see I had nothing left to give because there was nothing left in the relationship to stand on. “It takes two”. I had to decide that I am far more valuable than this quality of relationship deserves. I am worth more than what I’m receiving here. I prayed and hoped she would realize that and also rise to the occasion, but she didn’t. All the good I believed and trusted in faded into memories’ past- like a dream or an illusion.
I never saw this coming. In a way, I don’t understand how or why it happened. It is a mystery.
That love can be turned down, pushed aside or lost for financial security or the approval of others is an interesting fact. A sad fact. That love can be lost, turned down or pushed aside because one must rise to the occasion of self preservation is also an interesting fact. If you are not being loved in a way that is meaningful to you, then yes, you have a choice to make. If you are loving in a way that is not meaningful to them, you also have a choice to make. To realize the love you are offering is not speaking the love language of the one you are trying to communicate to requires wisdom and selflessness. It requires that you CHANGE how you are communicating IF you truly want the other person to understand that you love them. It is selfish to try to communicate love in a way that makes sense to you but not the other person. If you truly love them you will speak THEIR language- communicate love in a way that is meaningful for them… Unless you can not.
So, what do you do when you have no more fight left? Why resist another’s decision or reality? If they can’t see or understand, why should you attempt to clear their vision for them? Is such a thing within your power?
The truest wisdom here is to keep your energy on improving yourself in order to live out the best, most complete, version of your. Such difficulty is an opportunity for deeper self-realization. That is the best thing you can do. Continue loving them within new parameters and boundaries that allow you to spend the right amount of energy in spiritual growth. Ask difficult questions that require humility and inner reflection: How could I have shown up better in the situation? How can I be made better through this?
It doesn’t matter who is wrong or right. Such a dichotomy is useless and immature. It is a higher place of existence to allow another to live in their own way if they so demand. That means we can hope, pray, attempt to change ourselves and the relationship for the better but, “It takes two.” Freedom of choice is always the bottom line. So, be free and let them be free also.
When love fades it is not hard to look back- reminiscing. There is nothing wrong with that, unless it becomes unhealthy. The only movement from this point is forward- personal growth; spiritual growth. So, if you’re stuck and unable to move forward you’re in an unhealthy place. But, keep this in mind: finding the ability to move forward takes time. So be patient but also aware.
Love itself does not change. Only people do. Love does not fail. Only people do. Love is perfect. Only people are not. We are trying to “fall in (to) love”- immersed in its’ depths, breadth and height. We hope to become one with It one day at a time, experiencing more of it as we mature; spiritual growth. The more we know ourselves, the more we can know love.
Though, I didn’t see any of this coming, perhaps, it is far less of a mystery than I originally thought.
“We must go forth from where we stand. We can not jump to the absolute. We must evolve toward it.” – unknown
“Ashes from the flames; the truth is what remains; the truth is what you save from the fire. And you fight for what you love; don’t matter if it hurts. You find out what it’s worth and you let the rest burn.” – Jon Foreman